I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
