sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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