I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
