Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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