Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
