Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize