Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
