drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
