i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Hippo gnu deer
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize