I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
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