you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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