I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
