I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Randomize
