Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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