dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
