YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
