Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
