And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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