So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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