there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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