Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
