I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
