I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
