My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Randomize
