I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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