the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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