I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
