i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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