You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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