I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
