What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
