xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
