Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
