is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
