my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
