U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
