I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We had to coat check the pizza.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
