Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
