I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We left the knife in your bed.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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