I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
