i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Drake has all the answers
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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