I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
