so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
