This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
