I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
how drunk are you?
Several
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
