Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize