FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I supernannyed him into submission
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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