Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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