I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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