My liver just broke up with me...
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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