i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
