U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
