If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
