this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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