It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
