He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
