Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
i am craving dick and cupcakes
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
