I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize