It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
