u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize